A Survey for the Snarky

On a cold, rainy night like tonight, there's nothing like a little sarcasm and total fabrication to make me feel all warm inside. While it is true that surveys generally annoy me, ridiculous questioning can sometimes be a great vehicle for merriment:

1. Do you trust your friends?
No, my friends are all vindictive scallywags with the cunning and wit of serial killers.

2. Would you move to another state/country to be with the person you love?
I'm changing this question to "If you moved to another state/country to be with the person you love, would you use it as leverage in an argument?" And the answer is yes.

3. Name two things you would NOT tolerate in a relationship.
Bestiality and necrophilia are both dealbreakers.

4. Are you afraid of falling in love? Why or why not?
You know those doors you sometimes see on the outside of a two-story house or church with no stairs or balcony under them, I'm more afraid of falling out of one of those. Not because it would hurt, so much as it would be unexpected and awkward.

5. Is there someone who pops in your mind randomly throughout the day?
President William Howard Taft, I can't get that sexy bear out of my head.

7. What qualities do you find most attractive in the opposite sex?
A natural aptitude for table tennis, a healthy enthusiasm for modular furniture, and well-proportioned kneecaps.

8. Fill in the blank. I will NEVER _______ again.
sell my own vital organs on the black market

9. What is your number one priority in life?
Clay-mation, no wait, Riverdance, boy this is a tough one...

10. What can you tell about a person by kissing them?
A few things, but mainly whether or not they floss regularly.

11. When you get married, how do you envision your dream wedding?
Call me old-fashioned, but I always imagined my wedding in the stockroom of a dollar store, surrounded by several people that I have never met. I would wear a purple HAZ-MAT suit and flippers, and everyone would sing "Heat of the Moment," by the 1980's supergroup, Asia, off-key as I walked down the aisle.

12. Honestly, does your crush like you back?
The restraining order may say "no," but his eyes say "oh yeaaaah"

13. What makes you most happy?
When pretentious hipsters mispronounce words.

14. Are you musically inclined?
I'm an accomplished master of the keytar... still waiting on that acceptance letter from Julliard

15. If you could go back in time and change something, what would it be?
First, I'd go back Feudal Japan, and learn the ways of the Shogun. Then, I'd morph myself to CP Elementary's playground in 1986 on the day that two second grade boys yelled that they could see my panties (They were bloomers, NOT underwear!!) while I was climbing the monkey bars. This time, instead of crying however, my five-year-old self would deliver a furious Samurai-style beating to those puke-stains.

16 If you MUST be an animal for ONE day, what would you be?
A liger...because, come on, is there really any other acceptable answer?

17. Ever have a near death experience?
No, but one time, I dreamed that I was a doorknob, which is totally irrevelant, but still kinda trippy.

18.. What's the name of the song that's stuck in your head right now?
"Fantasy" by Aldo Nova (thanks, B). I must also say that everyone should watch this music video on youtube, it will change your life.

19. Name someone with the same b-day as you.
No one...I'm so original, my birthday cannot be found on traditional calendars.

20. What's the first thing you notice about the OPPOSITE sex?
General pallor.

21. Have you ever stolen something?
I once stole the heart of a wayward Union soldier during the Civil War, but I gave it back after he chased me down and threatened to give me a purple nurple.

22. What is your favorite number?
Let's see...if one is the lonliest number, two's company, and three is a magic number, I guess I'd have to go with 2(x) + 5.

23. Name something funny that happened to you.
When I was in the 5th grade, we were doing sprints in gym class one day, and, through an unfortunate combination of my natural clumsiness and a lack of observancy, I ran full-speed into the cinderblock wall of the gymnasium...chin first. I didn't go to the doctor, but my mom says my chin has never looked the same. (This is a true story, in case you were wondering)

24. What's your favorite smell?
Boiled cabbage and stale cigars, probably because they remind me so much of my childhood.

25. Do you believe in ghosts?
No, because I don't think they really believe in me. Sure, they SAY they support my dreams of becoming a professional bowler, but I can see the doubt in their eyes...phonies.